I was cutting cheese from the block of cheese we have in the fridge, but i noticed it was mouldy - no big problem, cut away the mold. But as I cut, it just got moldier and moldier, and the cheese started to like, sweat (as in: when you leave cheese out of the fridge too long, and it starts to get a little bit translucent and wet). I ate it with my breakfast anyways.
I woke up, and the cheese was actually moldy. Feels like I’m going to throw up at any minute.
looking up funeral etiquette to make sure i’m in line. feeling a bit bleak. not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning. feeling bad for thinking that. feeling bad for thinking “man i spent alot of money on black clothes today”. new haircut. man. man man man.
.. To my friend Celeste Pang, who spent the summer traipsing across Europe. (yes, we are both Celeste’s. Same year, same program. One day we will make like Nana and live together in an oddly symmetrical apartment. But likely there will be less sex and rock and roll involved, and more… nerdiness.)
bold celeste is me.
home home home Celeste @ 9:09 home 9:09 is 9:09 SO FUCKING WEIRD 9:09
OMG celeste @ 9:35 OMG 9:35 HAIII 9:35 TIMEZONE HAI 9:35 HOW IS YOUR BED. 9:35 i assume “good” if you haven’t responded yet 9:38
showering Celeste @ 10:03 lol 10:03 well 10:03 was showering 10:03 ffff 10:04 i have like 10:04 one day to catch up on manga 10:04 before onemanga closes 10:04 D: 10:04 YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD UNDERSTAND MY PAIN 10:04
yeah lololol celeste @ 10:10 dude i like 10:10 DON’T KNOW WHERE TO READ SKIP BEAT ANYMORE 10:11 MANGATOSHOKAN TOOK IT DOWN 10:11 ONEMANGA IS CLOSING 10:11 this is pretty much worst-case scenario 10:11 the rest of them should be easy enough to find (ie naruto will always be around) 10:11 BUT MAN, SKIP BEAT 10:11
;__________; Celeste @ 10:11 who scanlates it anyway 10:11 stalk their website 10:11 irc if we have to 10:11 WE MUST HAVE OUR SKIP BEAT FIX 10:11 AND FUKUYADO HONPO 10:12
FUCK celeste @ 10:12
and akuma to love song ;___; Celeste @ 10:12 and oishii kankeii 10:12
yeah but akuma to love song isn’t liscenced celeste @ 10:12
those are the only ones i really care about anyway Celeste @ 10:12
and neither is fukudayo or oishii kankei celeste @ 10:12
the rest i read for the sake of reading Celeste @ 10:12 oh and glass mask 10:12
FUCK celeste @ 10:12
but glass mask takes forever Celeste @ 10:12
GLASS MASK celeste @ 10:12
;__; Celeste @ 10:12
I AM BROKEN INSIDE celeste @ 10:12
and the scanlators still do it Celeste @ 10:12
glass mask will take years to find again celeste @ 10:12 but by then there’ll be like… 3 new chapters 10:13 you know what though 10:13 someone will replace it 10:13 even though the japanese manga industry seems to be cracking down pretty hard 10:13
yeah Celeste @ 10:21 well 10:22 now that they have a REALLY stable footing in the NA comic industry 10:22 they don’t need scanlators to distribute anymore 10:22
it’s true celeste @ 10:22
they can actually just reap profits now Celeste @ 10:22 lol 10:22
i guess the thing with all this is we’re just… used to free in many ways celeste @ 10:22 sadly though 10:22
yeah Celeste @ 10:23
if you look about 10 years back manga having a “stable footing” celeste @ 10:23 was the wish and hope of every fan 10:23
and it’s such a community thing Celeste @ 10:23 like the manga community understands how it works 10:23 the NA manga community 10:23 people still buy even if they read scanlations if they like it enough 10:23
the price point is lower celeste @ 10:23
kinda like music industry really Celeste @ 10:23
i mean, i would -love- to own Mushishi on DVD, and one day i’ll buy it but celeste @ 10:23 i don’t have $70+ to plunk down on the box set (let alone if i bought the dvd’s one by one at like $30 apiece) 10:24 $10-$15 per volume is reasonable given the income of the target market. even that’s a touch expensive, but still 10:24
that’s where they put all their adult manga celeste @ 10:29 shit happened this summer with scanslations sites man 10:30 first 10:30 google emailed all of them or something and was all 10:30
;____; Celeste @ 10:30
"yo bitches" celeste @ 10:30 "take down your porno" 10:30 "because KIDS CAN ACCESS IT FROM GOOGLE" 10:30 (fucking google are nazi’s incarnate, people wonder why i don’t use chrome yet) 10:30 and so 10:30 that’s why mangatoshokan 10:30 took down all its smut too 10:30 1000manga was onemanga’s solution 10:30 AND THEN 10:31 the Japanese manga industry got all 10:31 "yo bitches take down your sites" 10:31
;___; Celeste @ 10:31
and i guess, as you can seem the response was all celeste @ 10:31 "okay ho" 10:31 i guess they’re not taking down 1000manga though, dick move OneManga, i liek 10:31
LOL Celeste @ 10:32
so that was the summer celeste @ 10:32 OH 10:32 and Funimation being the COOLEST FUCKING COMPANY EVER 10:33 and STREAMING ANIME SUBBED 10:33 on youtube 10:33 in 480p 10:33 AS IT AIRED IN JAPAN 10:33 it was (is) a dream come fucking true 10:33 watch The Tatami Galaxy man, it’s really really really great, and YUUSUKE NAKAMURA did the character designs 10:33 NO DOWNLOADING REQUIRED 10:34
OMG Celeste @ 10:34
I KNOW RIGHT celeste @ 10:35 like seriously 10:35 i am so in love with Funi right now 10:35 they continue to be fucking ridiculously amazing at life 10:35 also 10:35 YUUSUKE NAKAMURA 10:35
Comas aren’t people sleeping peacefully, nary a sound. They are affairs filled with involuntary, unflattering muscle twitches. When people fall into a coma, they aren’t hit by cars. They’ve spent hours upon hours upon days in a hospital bed, with people speaking in hushed tones all around them. Their fate is decided by IV drips, by doctors who barely know what to do. They are people poked through with drips and needles and catheters, who have to have someone empty their urine for them, being unable to do so themselves. It smells like chemicals, because that’s all that’s entered their body in the last little while. They constantly spit up foam, because there’s fluid forming in their lungs, and the body has no way of controlling it. Their muscles work, but they’re worlds away. All the while, a pair of trainwrecked parents, and caring-but-distant nurses watch over. The occasional stroke on the cheek, kiss, pink foam swab the gums, suction the foam out of her mouth. Doctors come and take a quick glance and say “well, she looks comfortable”. When people fall into comas, everyone holds their breath, and gives up a little bit inside. Comas are messy, human.
Let me tell you about my friend, Kim. Sakie. SakuraTenshi.
The place to begin with all this is that she wasn’t my friend, to begin with. We went to the same high school, and she was friends with my older sister, Chloe. The first time I met Kim, I had gone up to the hallways above the gym in our high school to find my sister. It was something insignificant that I needed her for. On the whole, I’m one of those younger sisters that wishes she was her older sister. I just wanted to be in the same place as her.
So I went to find her. And there she was sitting with a more-than-slightly overweight girl of the same age. They were sitting on the floor, in front of their lockers. Kim looked up at me with big eyes. This wasn’t the first time I had met her, but it was the first time I’d met her in person. I was in the 8th grade, she was in the 10th.
The summer previous, my sister wanted to use IRC. A friend of hers, she said, ran a channel on DALnet. she wanted to hang out. Being handier with these things than she was, I got her on DALnet, and found the channel. This was 2001, a year before the crash. My sister was on the channel and therefore happy, and shoo’ed me away, as I expected. Later, I lurked on the channel for a bit - just to see what the fuss was about - and as it turns out, the fuss wasn’t about much, it was just an IRC channel. The op was one SakuraTenshi. This was my sister’s friend, I gathered. I forgot about the channel.
In her senior year, Kim was sent to the hospital. I was in the 10th grade. I played alot of Ragnarok Online (online RPG, this will be significant later on - also, referred to as “RO” from hereon) I hadn’t thought about her in years, outside of the context of my sister. My sister and her first love went to see her.
"She’s fine," Chloe came back, told my mother. "Just bored. We gave her Darius’ DS and some games."
I didn’t know quite what was wrong with Kim then, but I would soon learn: she had a terminal cancer, genetically transferred. It caused tumors to form, at random up and down her spine. Most were removable, but they often landed her in the hospital. Her biological mother had the same disease, and died in her 20’s. Kim was 18, at the time of her first over-a-month hospitilization.
Shortly after this was my first encounter with a phrase that has proven true time and time again: life marches forward, whether you want it to or not. Whether it has to pull you along at its own pace, or whether you set your own. Life marched forward. Chloe and her still-boyfriend Darius entered university. For a brief time, Kim dated a boy named Jovi - an acquaintance from that channel. For a brief time, I dated his best friend. Things ended between both rather quickly, though. Years later, we talked about it - Kim said, with an ironic laugh “Jovi… was a mistake”. She took the words right out of my mouth - Adam was a mistake, also.
In my senior year of high school, we played RO together. She was the guild master. Private server type of deal. The younger sister of the guy who ran the server was named Rairen, and was in our guild. She was the same age as me. She ended up coming from Maryland to here, to come to school.
By the time she met Kim, Kim was spending the majority of her time in a hospital bed.
I don’t know how to continue the story from here. What follows is all a blur: birthday parties where she couldn’t eat. Going to anime conventions with a stomach pump. Hospital visits, where I felt so stupid and exposed that I can’t even begin to describe it.
What I can say is this.
I am a weak person. Of the many times I was in the neighborhood - no matter how busy I was - I could’ve visited. I was mere blocks away from her at times. I could’ve visited, and I didn’t. To see someone preserved in time like that - a personality, no less, was more than I could bear. Unlike the rest of us, who had grown up, loved, lost, run up against the brick walls of the world, Kim was preserved in petroleum jelly and sanitary plastic wrapping. She was exactly who she was at age 18, still in high school. Except that I wasn’t 16 anymore, I was 21. And she wasn’t 18 anymore, either.
By the time Kim fell into her coma, she was no longer the overweight girl I remembered. The second time I met her - the time I met her as my friend, and not my sister’s - she had dropped to less than half that weight.
Kim was difficult to deal with. She had alot to complain about, and complained readily to anyone who would listen. She was hard to talk to, because her concerns were that of a girl just out of high school. She never got the chance to be much more than that.
Every year in Vancouver, we blow shit up in the sky. Everyone comes out for them, and sits on the beach. Kim only went once or twice, I think, but she loved them. Her parents never wanted to let her out of the house, really. She used to lie to her parents and say she was going to the movies (this was the exception, apparently) - and then just go to the mall and hang out. I never agreed with the way her parents handled her situation - to me, if her life was always in danger of being over, then she should live, not stay in a cage. But seeing her parents today - sleepless for days, absolutely wrecked, treating her like the most precious broken swollen object that ever existed - I couldn’t help but think that these were the most loving people on the planet.
When I heard she was in a coma, all I could think was I need to make paper cranes. Immediately. Starting right-fucking-now, as penance. I’m sorry I didn’t visit for over a year. I’m sorry I was too weak to look you in the face. Three hours today isn’t enough to make up for that, but while I was there, I didn’t look away. I was making my cranes, but I looked you right in the face, and didn’t look away. How sad. And yes, I did think it once, Kim: she’ll be happier if she doesn’t wake up. She won’t be in pain anymore. She won’t get all her nourishment from a tube, and have it exit the same way. She won’t have to ask for industrial-size doses of Gravol and Tylenol 3’s and Morphine on a regular basis. She won’t have to deal with people like me, who are too weak to see her regularly. Too weak to compare themselves to the girl, and to accept that my life, with all its faults, with all the things I wish I could change, is still better than this.
Im sorry I was too weak. I’m sorry I didn’t visit until it was too late. I’m sorry I didn’t call my sister as soon as I heard the news, and I’m sorry I had to tell her via text message. I’m sorry I couldn’t get her to visit. Your dad asked. He was a wreck. I have never seen anyone look quite like that before.
I drank in the sight of you, in your fading hours, Kim. I swore never to forget that sight, as long as I live. I will remember the gray light on your face, the perfect afternoon outside the window, the half-finished puzzle of a lion in the corner. I will remember you gasping for air, foaming at the mouth. I will not forget any of it, no matter how gruesome or unflattering. I will remember you as wholly as I can, and will not leave out the details. I don’t want to idolize your memory.
Thank you for teaching me something of what it means to be a human.
I can never watch anime with another human being. Ever.
I am too rude.
So I started this whole anime-blogging-is-fun business over here a few months back, and while it’s good times, at this point I can say one thing with great conviction: The best posts come mid-episode. I am then compelled to pause, start, re-start and otherwise scrub forward and backwards. possibly while taking screenshots, in an episode obsessive-compulsively until the urge to write leaves me and I can go back to being a normal person. This can take hours, but can also take moments. I’ve always had a very stream-of-consciousness method of writing, so things generally come out exactly the way that it goes on the blog, with minor modifications.
I have a pretty my-head-is-reeling way of processing information, for better or for worse. With anything really - so much as one phrase, or one image will can set me off for hours. My most entertaining conversations are with my head, usually*. People tell me this is a bad thing, and certainly, my anime-watching habits are horrendous, but I get a weird joy from having so much spring from my head in such a short instant. I really don’t mind pausing mid-episode to.. uh.. think.
Therefore, I’ve come to the conclusion that, if I am to ever get my thoughts down (and whether or not I get them down or not, they’re still there, so.), I can never ever watch anime with anyone else ever again. :p.
* i love people who entertain me as much as my head does. Self-centered, I know.
I listen to alot of music. To the tune (ha) of nearly 5000 songs, or so iTunes claims. I haven’t listened to them much lately, but Modest Mouse is my favorite of all of them.
Let it be known that I tried to explain more into why I like Modest Mouse, but it’s inexpressible by me at this point. Sometimes I think all my pursuits in life (design and drawing and shiz, coding, writing, music) have been towards the end of trying to communicate something as completely as possible.
We won’t be sleeping in our autumn beds
October came Our case got stuck with the DA again They pulled up the welcome mat So many times they hurt their back As sure as clocks are bleeding time We’ll show up early just to wait in line
We won’t be sleeping
As August came Our case is drawing to an end They said guilty so many times All I heard was just the buzzing lights As sure as lead sinks were the same We’re just more laundry that they need to hang
I can’t wait until I read this tomorrow morning and realize I was inebriated.
So let’s just get this out of the way, my male commrades.
Don’t date within the same group of girls unless it’s really fucking worth it.
It’s not that girls talk about guys who do this. In fact, you should assume that we talk about any and all guys who enter our spheres of influence.
It’s that we can’t.
Let’s take an example.
Guy 1 dates girl A. Then girl B, C, and currently, D*
Think about it this way, if you are Guy 1. These are all reasonably (if not very) attractive, intelligent and interesting females. Ripe for the picking. I understand this train of thought.
Think of it this way, if you are a girl, though. Should girl D, the current, be caught in a room with her good friends and gossip buddies B, C, and even say, A, what in heaven’s name is she supposed to talk about?***
A: So.. how’s it going with 1?
D: Well, he’s pretty bad in the bedroom
B: What are you talking about?! 1 was the best I’ve ever had!
Naturally, no woman**** in her right fucking mind would have this conversation, or even the toned-down version of this conversation (D: Well, he’s a pretty bad kisser.) Therefore, no conversation occurs. And thus, female friendship dissolves, and girls start complaining about how “my girlfriends and I grew apart”.
Dating is hard, and no one wants to be alone, but one must have class when doing such things. I’m personally an advocate of the stay single unless coerced otherwise approach though, so my opinion definitely has a slant on things, though.
But fucking seriously, I can’t think of anything more awkward and potentially embarassing than this situation.*****
*this is a real fucking example, I ran into them no the way home. ohhhh man, 300 kinds of awkward. No, I was not one of the four girls; in essence I’m a pretty horrendous** human being who houses a reasonably interesting brain, which is why the internet works out for me.
** not like, ugly. Let’s be honest, there are uglier, and for sure chubbier people on the internet. I do alright, and I realize that. No teenage angst here, move along, folks.
*** there will almost always be talking, even with girls who hate this kind of shit, ie myself.
**** I realize I’m using this more often than “girl” now. Oh shit, getting old!
***** Also, in reverse: girls, don’t date in the same group of boys. that’s like reaching for the tramp stamp and exposing one’s ass in anticipation.